


Your Favourite What-If

by 2Dsheep



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: I spelled it Hanji, I'm Sorry, M/M, and I didn't wanna go back and change it all, my bad - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 23:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20805071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Dsheep/pseuds/2Dsheep
Summary: Levi hates drinking with Hange. He doesn't wanna think about what he had, what he's lost. Can't bear to think about all the what-ifs. But Hange just loves to talk.





	Your Favourite What-If

Levi hates drinking. 

Sure, it might help him forget a few things for a short while, but it comes at the cost of making his body slow and less responsive, and having his thoughts slip out with an ease he isn’t comfortable with. Not to mention that he’s never woken up without his head pounding the following morning, even after just one glass. 

“Come on, get another one in ya!”

Levi hates drinking with Hanji even more. 

Hanji’s either oblivious to this or they simply choose to ignore it as they fill Levi’s glass, so eagerly that it spills right over the brim. There’s no use in Levi complaining though. Careful not to spill any more, he brings it to his lips and takes a swig, flinching as it swills across his tongue. He doesn’t even like the taste of the stuff, but he knows Hanji needs a night like this every now and then, even if they won’t admit it outright. Doesn’t mean he has to enjoy it though. 

On any normal day Hanji talks too much, but when they drink it’s as if they need to talk just as any other person needs to breathe, their favourite topic being the years long behind them, and all the people trapped there. They paint their own colourful spin to it though, possibly to try and make the whole thing just a little less miserable.

On the rare occasion Levi’ll agree to drink, it’s a small, often futile attempt to forget about the past, to blur out all their words and faces, consequences and hangovers be damned.

The mess hall is empty save the two of them and of course the silence that takes up every other bit of space in there. It’s always like this lately. Even when all the remaining members of the survey corps comes to dine - not that there are many left - the quiet refuses to give way, lingering there in the background like stubborn mould, simply waiting for its chance to take over.

His glass isn’t even half empty when Hanji moves to fill it up once more. Levi doesn’t stop them.

“Hey Levi,” they start with a chuckle which is husky from drink. “Do you remember the time when Mike and Erwin - ”

“ - Not today, Hanji.” 

Or ever. 

Though Levi keeps his eyes fixed on the table before him, occupying his mind with thoughts of giving the wood a good scrub, he can feel Hanji’s eyes digging into him. It’s uncomfortable, but he refuses to look up. How long he is going to be able to hold out, he has no idea. Hanji is similar to Erwin in a way, never satisfied with what was given on the surface, not when they knew there was something lurking beneath, and they’d be damned if they were just going to let it go. Too intelligent for their own good, the two of them. Sober Levi would be able to manoeuvre his way out of Hanji’s prying with no problem. The same couldn’t be said about Erwin. He was a master at untangling the threads, and Levi would only ever hold out for so long before crumbling. It was with an unexpected delicacy that Erwin would handle the pieces, and more often than not, Levi would be left feeling more whole by the end of it. The man was special in that way. 

Fuck. Levi grits his teeth. He clearly hasn’t drunk enough yet. 

“You know,” Hanji says, their tone far too light, “Not talking about them doesn’t mean it never happened. If anything, talking about them is the closest thing we can do to keeping them alive.”

It takes all of Levi’s effort to not roll his eyes, but when Hanji gives him a look, he’s not sure he managed after all. It’s not that it’s a bad sentiment, it’s just that Levi can’t feel the same way about it as Hanji does. He tried to. Though admittedly the effort he put in won’t be getting him any gold stars. 

He takes another sip of his drink, more of a gulp really, and knows he’s gonna feel it tomorrow. Not that it’ll be any worse than how he feels every other morning when he wakes up and his dreams give way to the nightmare that is reality. 

“C’mon…Ready to open up, my lil’ pistachio nut you?” Hanji says, rapping him on the head. 

“What the -” 

“Maybe you just need a little bit more of the ol’ booze to loosen you up.”

“I can pour my own damn drink,” Levi grunts, grabbing the liquor before Hanji gets a chance to. It’s almost empty already, but Hanji’s come prepared, another bottle at the opposite end of the table just waiting for them. 

Hanji’s gearing up to say something, Levi can tell. They’re basically vibrating in their seat with the question fighting to leap off their tongue. Having worked with them long enough now, Levi’s learned all of their tells, and they’re just waiting for the opportune moment to spill it. He knows he’s not going to like what Hanji has to say, but he hasn’t it in him to fight it. Hanji needs to talk just as much as he needs not to. Levi knows this. And so he repeats it over and over in his head, constructing a loud barrier that stops him from telling them to just shut the hell up, and breathes. He can do this. Being down to only one last friend, Levi doesn’t have to divide his limited patience any more, it goes solely to Hanji. 

Lucky them.

When they deem the timing right, or when they simply can’t hold it in anymore, Hanji moves in closer as if cautious of others listening in. “You loved Erwin. Didn’t you?”

Levi jerks backwards. A week’s worth of patience couldn’t have prepared him for that. 

“Where the hell’d that come from?”

Their eyes light up, and Levi knows straight away they’ve been holding onto that for years. The relief shows like a person making their first bowel movement in weeks, and it fills Levi with a similar disgust. 

Hanji seems to try and calm their excitement, smoothing their features until all that’s left is a gentle, pathetic smile that only serves to rub Levi the wrong way. “Your face. Every time someone mentions his name, you look like you’re ready to fall apart.”

What’s Hanji trying to do here? What could they possibly achieve by asking this? Levi readies himself to march right out of the mess hall, but his limbs are heavy with drink and his chest even more so, weighed down by by Hanji’s words.

“What d’ya expect? He was my friend,” he says, his lips barely parting to speak. 

“But you wanted more.” 

Hanji’s being careful with what they say, as if measuring each and every word before letting it leave their mouth. Levi could tell them to shut up, demand that they leave it be, and they would listen. If he really meant it, Hanji would drop it in an instant. They're annoying. Possibly the most annoying person Levi’s ever met, but they know when they’ve gone too far. 

“Why’re you bringing this up now?” Levi asks instead. It’s the damned drink, dissolving all the barriers he has in place, revealing the pitiful part of him curled up at his core. “Even if I did, what would’t’ve mattered?” His tongue feels heavy now too, and the words only weigh it down more. 

“We didn’t have time for shit like that. There was never enough time…never the right time… to tell him how I felt,” he said, swallowing to chase away the lump forming in his throat. 

“Or … well that’s what I thought.”

Survival had to come first. Feelings could wait until after. 

“If I could just go back….Fuck.” He lets out a strained breath. “I’d tell him every single day.”

This is why Levi hates talking about the past, it only stirs up all of the regrets and mistakes that can’t be fixed. There’s no good that can come of it. Hanji gets a good story, some of their theories realised, and all he’s left with is the ever lingering ache. 

It’s a bitter thought, so unlike him. He never used to be like this. He was a better man with Erwin. There was so much good in Erwin, even if the man himself didn’t know it, and it was infectious. How could Levi have not been drawn to that? Even so, he’d tried to just watch Erwin from a distance, and is now plagued with memories of having to tear himself away each time he realised how close he’d been moving towards him. 

Levi doesn’t want to talk anymore. If he could, he’d sit out the rest of his life in silence, but there’s still shit to do, promises he’s made. Having let Erwin down enough times, he’s got to at least follow through on the last few things he can.

And Hanji’s still here. And it seems they want to talk. It’s why he agreed to drink in the first place. 

Levi supposes it’s the least he can do. 

But they’re not having another chance to blindside him with another interrogation. 

“That’s all you’re getting outta me, shitty four-eyes.” Looking up in what feels like the first time in hours, Hanji looks pleased at the nickname. Thinking back, it’s probably been a while he’s called them that. There hasn’t exactly been a chance for any lightheartedness lately.

He doesn’t know what makes him think of asking Hanji such a question, perhaps some petty revenge, perhaps even genuine curiosity, but he can’t spare it much thought before it slips out:

“And you, what about Moblit?”

Hanji’s smile falters, and it becomes obvious that they understand at least a little why Levi doesn’t like to talk about the people, the friends they’ve lost. Hanji must feel that sharp ache each time they hear their names too. Levi comes to realise that when Hanji drinks, it’s to talk about the past with the alcohol acting as some sort of armour, a shield that can be cleaned away once the hangover wears off.

Everyone has shit to deal with and their own ways of doing it. 

“Moblit. My Moblit.” They say, the look on their face new to Levi. But after a few seconds their smile returns, albeit softer.

“I don’t know if it was love. Don’t know if I really feel it like other people do, it’s different. But there’s not a day I don’t think about him. He was so quiet, my complete opposite.” Hanji pauses. Breathes. “But he may as well have been a hurricane for as much as I notice his absence. 

Hanji downs the rest of their drink, and seems intent on getting every last drop before they put it down, their eyes somewhere distant now. 

“I’m happy for the time we had together. Just wish I could’ve had a little bit more, y’know?”

The silence that settles over them both is heavy, but for once there was something comforting about it, much like a thick blanket in the depths of winter, and the two of them sit there content with sharing the heat. The next drink drains quicker than the ones before, and the following one even quicker than that. The golden liquor feels soft against Levi’s lips, yet sharp as it makes his way down his throat. His vision starts to blur around the edges and wherever he doesn’t choose to focus seems a world away. His head feels light while his body feels heavy. There’s a weight tugging at his chest, but for now it seems a little easier to bear.

There’s no more than a finger’s width of drink left in the bottle now, and Levi can barely remember where it all went. Instead he’s been battling with the same questions calling out over and over in his mind

“What if…what if I’d told Erwin that I…” He swallows. “What d’ya think he would’ve said?”

As soon as the words leave his mouth he wishes he could take them back. Even when Erwin was alive he didn’t allow himself to spare the issue more than a moment of thought, never mind actually speaking it out loud. And what was the point in letting it happen now? 

“Look at ya, learning how to open up to a friend!” Hanji says with a heavy pat of their hand on Levi’s shoulder, their voice echoing along the walls. Their joy is short lived, seeming to be quenched when they realised just what Levi’d asked. 

“…I dunno, Levi. Erwin was like a closed book. Which was padlocked. And hidden inside a chest which was also locked. And THAT chest was - ”

“ - I get it, Hanji.”

They almost laugh. Levi doesn’t, but he can’t say he doesn’t appreciate the humour. There weren’t many people who even came close to knowing the real Erwin, but Hanji was one who’d been able to understand Erwin in a way. Though sometimes Levi thinks there was more to Erwin than even he knew. And now he’d never get the chance to know.

“But I know one thing for sure. Erwin was fond of you, more than anyone else. Like…really. If that man could fit love inside of that mind of his, can’t imagine it’d be for anyone other than you.”

Levi didn't think it could get even quieter in the mess hall, but somehow it managed it. He gives Hanji a light punch on the arm. Nothing more needs to be said, they’ll know what he means by that. In return he gets a nod, and they both drink some more. 

Usually he hates any sort of hustle and bustle, but now Levi finds himself missing the noise and chatter, the life that used to warm the room. A memory bursts alive in his mind of a night years ago, at the same table they’re sitting now. He’d been drinking with the other “veterans”, as the younger cadets had come to call them, after their first successful mission in months. Erwin had sat beside him, which wasn’t anything unusual; it always seemed to end up that way. It was a night of celebration, and Erwin had drunk too much and was unsteady in his seat. Levi still remembers the warmth of Erwin’s arm pressed against his as he drifted off, body bowing down to the drink. 

He’d thought of saying something then, but Erwin was dragged off to bed, and when morning came everything was back to normal. The time simply wasn’t right, as usual. But maybe one day. And then the walls came down and everything changed. 

Had Levi been making excuses the whole time? Should he have said something despite how wrong it could’ve turned out? Would it have changed anything? 

Each question only tears into him a fresh wound.

“What does it matter now?” Levi mutters into his glass. The drink absorbs his words and he swallows them down. 

Just as he thought - Levi hates drinking with Hanji.


End file.
